October 4, 2014
9:06 PM

a muse, a something. anything. i have no muse anymore as i sit here in my room listening to music blast in all directions. the glow of the lamp by my door and the spider lights illuminate this room. snow patrol’s open your eyes in my ears but i’m not really listening to the lyrics, just the instruments. this bed was shared with you once upon a time and it seems like those times are long gone. you were in my life for a little while and now you’re gone. everyone told me i should’ve waited, i should’ve healed a bit more, but of course i jumped head on to something that eventually tore my heart into tiny pieces. how is that even possible? you didn’t know my stories, you didn’t know me as well i wanted you to. perhaps our paths will cross again and perhaps they won’t. 

how am i supposed to sleep in this bed that we shared? in this bed in which you had taken me whole, scars and everything. 

i thought you were going to be good for me.
but it turns out my biggest fear is true.

»»» i am good enough to fuck, but not good enough to love.

i’m too emotional.

(stop.)

come back. 
or don’t.

i wouldn’t know what to do if you ever knocked on my door again.

perhaps cry, perhaps have my heart jump out of my chest again like that one day when you showed up to my job to leave me treats with that stupid smile of yours which i grew to love.

we were better friends than whatever it is you wanted to call us.

which fucks with me because it all changed when we hooked up for the first time.

I feel awful a lot of times cos I’m not a normal balanced person like the rest of the people in my family. Somehow battling depression feels like being in a sea of familiar faces & everybody is reaching out their hand for you to take their help as you’re drowning in an abyss of nothinginess. Somehow it makes me feel more alone than usual.. It’s also making me write cliche after cliche. I feel like I have nothing new to write & I am just not original. 

Alone.

How selfish is that?

There are nights where I don’t know why I want to cry but I just want to turn to my pillow & just yell as loud as I can in hopes that somehow after I scream, something else will replace that void. I can’t explain my depression to people & I wish I could. I wish I could just reach out my fucking hand & take the help that everybody has so kindly offered. Well, in some instances their ear, I guess. I know everybody means well but most of the time I get these stupid thoughts of, well, when will they be leaving me? How much can I open up to you before I feel like you’re going to use what I tell you against me after we stop talking? Everybody leaves. They always do. Even if we promise each other that we will love each other until our bodies are rotting away, 6 feet under. & even if they don’t, I always find excuses for me to push them away. I’m a terrible friend. It’s no wonder why I lost so many of them in the past. I always play the victim & think that they’re the ones that that did me wrong, when I’m sure 80% of the time, it was me. It was always me.

What’s wrong with me? Why am I so fucked in the head? Why do I think that seeking professional help will actually help me? Because she’ll give me epiphanies about my self mutilation? About my suicide attempt that happened nearly a decade ago? How fucked is that? A 13 year old trying to kill herself. A 14 year old struggling with self mutilation for almost a decade. Luckily, I haven’t had an urge to do it in a very long time. But the thoughts I get in my head telling me One More Time keep ringing in my ear. Where would I do it any who? Can’t do it on my arms anymore cos that’s too obvious. I used to do it on my thighs.. Maybe the thighs.

Fuck.

I’m spiraling again.

& I don’t want anyone to help me out of this. I need to be strong enough to get myself out of these thoughts. But I am so feeble. I always need people. Even though I hate them. I am a collection of paradoxes & I’m sure it gets tiring for everyone to handle me which is a never ending circle of people leaving me. The fucking circle of Dee & her stupid thoughts.

I got fired from my job and broke up with my boyfriend in a three day period. On Wednesday I got fired and on Friday I broke up with my boyfriend. My life feels lighter and at the same time emptier. so both sad and happy and its going to take a minute to get used to the change. but I was at the point where I didn’t really want to hangout with my boyfriend and I hated working at the dining hall. But now I feel kind of lonely because of both things you know now I have so much free time on my hands and I’m the kind of person who likes to be busy. I’m definitely not going to miss marks though. I was at the point of hating it, I hated the six hour shifts, I hated how people were not covering shifts like they promised to, and I hated how crowed it was getting, I hated how a lot of the people I knew from last year were not working there anymore, I hated how my feet hurt, I hate how it is across campus from where I live, I hate how I have to go to bed at 12pm because we didn’t get let out until 10pm. I hated trying to negotiate someone covering my shift. I hated not being able to cook or grocery shopping because I was working there so much and so late. I hated how repetitive it was. I hated working to clean up after working. I hate the food industry. I liked how I knew what to do I was comfortable there, (like the phrase the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know) but that was about all I liked. I have a problem when it comes to moving on. My parents always stressed staying in your comfort zone but sometimes its better to take a risk and move forward into unknown and possibly scary (but infinitely more rewarding territory) up until I went away to college I had a tendency to stay in my comfort zone even if I was completely miserable. But I took this big risk of going away to college and doing a sport that I didn’t even know existed (and those were really really good choices) instead of just staying in my comfort zone and hating my life. I’m slowing learning to break free of my comfort zone and reach for more instead of just settling for what I have. which brings me to breaking up with my boyfriend. I want someone who is more reassuring, sensitive, and who is a better listener, and who tries to get to know me, and who doesn’t put pressure on me to have sex and instead is patient about it. There would be times when I was talking and he wasn’t giving me his full attention like he was nodding his head in agreement and looking at his phone and behavior like that really gets under my skin. Also he has a tendency to just do things or say “you really love this” or “you really like this” instead of just asking me what I like or just asking me what I want. At my birthday he said that I loved anime to a friend when in reality I didn’t really like it, and I wish he had just asked me “do you like this?” instead of telling someone that I loved it. my friend just asked me afterward “do you actually like this?” and that’s what I wanted from my boyfriend. Sometimes when I’m talking there is just silence afterwards or he starts talking about himself I wish he made more comments, gave more reassurance. I wish he said “that must suck” instead of immediately talking about his life like acknowledged what I said a bit more. Its just little things like these that get under my skin and over time they just annoy me more and more and more until I don’t want to be around him anymore. I just want a boyfriend who has these relationship skills who can give more reassurance and acknowledgement. Also he just put a lot of pressure to have sex like every time we hangout he always tried to move to a different base even though I consistently told him that I didn’t want to move to a different base which made me think that he liked me but that he didn’t respect me and I don’t want that in a relationship. and I didn’t want that pressure to increase as the relationship went on. He is a good guy though and it is really chill to hangout with him, like I am very comfortable around him and it is easy talking to him and our conversations are good but these are the qualities I like in a friend, I need more from a boyfriend. I need someone who has the same relationship skills as me and who is good at listening and freely gives reassurance like me. Because I give that out to people a lot but in a relationship I want that treatment back. I want a boyfriend who makes me feel heard and tries to get to know others and understand other people the way I do. There are all of these little things that annoyed me I don’t want to have to instruct my ex-boyfriend on how to be a good listener, and how to give reassurance, and how to be supportive. I just want a boyfriend who already knows how to do that. I don’t want to micro-mange him and try to change him into the boyfriend I actually want. I know I’m going to feel lonely for the next few days, every-time I see a couple together but i think I want to be single again. I don’t have time for a boyfriend (well I didn’t) I think I need to be friends with guys before dating just to see if they would be the right type of guy for me to date, instead of just jumping in the way I did with my ex-boyfriend. I think I need to date because a guy has the qualities I’m looking for instead of dating because I want to be in a relationship or because I’m desperate for a boyfriend. I shouldn’t just date a guy because he is an introvert and he talked to me (that was all I was looking for in a boyfriend before I met my ex) I need to have standards and qualities I’m looking for in a guy. I think I need just guy friends for awhile, people I am chill with but that I don’t have a lot in common with so we don’t date (like my ex) I need that for awhile and I’ll approach dating later maybe in a year. there are these little things I didn’t like about my ex and over time they just built up into this wall of discontent. I’m comfortable around him but I need to start reaching for more in boyfriend and not settling until I get those key qualities that I really want in a boyfriend. 

seven-tenths-water said: 3 years ago someone posted a stream that included the line "For those that claim friendship, or brotherhood, is a thankless job, I submit that all of us are nothing more or less than the sum of who we love." If you wouldn't mind posting this on the off chance that person might see it that'd be great. it really means a lot to me.

i sit here with a blank word document in front of me and an empty page to my right and the thoughts don’t stop—do i have ocd? am i just making it up?—long enough for me to write all of them down.

i walk to starbucks to get out of the house, i clench my fists when a man walks past me, i stare at my feet. what if when i am walking across the street, someone doesn’t stop for a red light and they hit me? i am not even crossing the street. i am sitting in starbucks. what if i don’t die and i end up costing my parents their life savings? 

a man sits next to me. he opens his macbook and gmail pops up. “when should i be home?—working at the coffee place.” i assume he is speaking to his wife. i see them fucking in my head. i rub my eyes. i open gmail. i click on an old email. the images of them won’t go away. 

next, i am in the bath. the water turns my skin red. i touch myself and i think of the last time i was touched without my consent and i cum and i cry until the water gets cold. one day i am going to drown in this tub, one day someone will find my bloated body, one day someone will see me and think, “oh what a sad, sad girl.”

night time is the hardest; nothing can drown out my thoughts. i start falling asleep to netflix. i watch entire series over and over again, familiarity lulls, calms. i count sheep. 1, 2, what if someone is hiding in the shower? i get up and check. there’s no one. i can’t get that person who is maybe-hiding in the shower out of my head and i keep checking. 24, 25, still no one… 51, 52, 53, 54..

theoceanofconsciousness:

saiths:

i don’t want to have to do this but this is my family’s only option right now. most of what we need help is included on the description of our gofundme page but to sum it up. 
we can’t afford my mom’s medical bills (the photo up top - as you can see that’s from january. it’s october so imagine what the total is now), our utilities are a week away from being shut off, we are six years behind on our taxes and very close to losing our home and having no place to go, i’m currently applying to college and can’t afford anything.
we need help, please donate (if you can).

this is my very good friend amie and her family really needs some help right now. i know this blog has like 1,000 followers and i know at least one of you can afford $1 to donate. it would really really really mean so much to me and amie and her family. if you do i promise i will do my best to send you something in the mail, like a mix cd or a letter, if you inbox us your address.
thank you so so much
- mia

theoceanofconsciousness:

saiths:

i don’t want to have to do this but this is my family’s only option right now. most of what we need help is included on the description of our gofundme page but to sum it up. 

we can’t afford my mom’s medical bills (the photo up top - as you can see that’s from january. it’s october so imagine what the total is now), our utilities are a week away from being shut off, we are six years behind on our taxes and very close to losing our home and having no place to go, i’m currently applying to college and can’t afford anything.

we need help, please donate (if you can).

this is my very good friend amie and her family really needs some help right now. i know this blog has like 1,000 followers and i know at least one of you can afford $1 to donate. it would really really really mean so much to me and amie and her family. if you do i promise i will do my best to send you something in the mail, like a mix cd or a letter, if you inbox us your address.

thank you so so much

- mia

saiths:

i don’t want to have to do this but this is my family’s only option right now. most of what we need help is included on the description of our gofundme page but to sum it up. 
we can’t afford my mom’s medical bills (the photo up top - as you can see that’s from january. it’s october so imagine what the total is now), our utilities are a week away from being shut off, we are six years behind on our taxes and very close to losing our home and having no place to go, i’m currently applying to college and can’t afford anything.
we need help, please donate (if you can).

this is my very good friend amie and her family really needs some help right now. i know this blog has like 1,000 followers and i know at least one of you can afford $1 to donate. it would really really really mean so much to me and amie and her family. if you do i promise i will do my best to send you something in the mail, like a mix cd or a letter, if you inbox us your address.
thank you so so much
- mia

saiths:

i don’t want to have to do this but this is my family’s only option right now. most of what we need help is included on the description of our gofundme page but to sum it up. 

we can’t afford my mom’s medical bills (the photo up top - as you can see that’s from january. it’s october so imagine what the total is now), our utilities are a week away from being shut off, we are six years behind on our taxes and very close to losing our home and having no place to go, i’m currently applying to college and can’t afford anything.

we need help, please donate (if you can).

this is my very good friend amie and her family really needs some help right now. i know this blog has like 1,000 followers and i know at least one of you can afford $1 to donate. it would really really really mean so much to me and amie and her family. if you do i promise i will do my best to send you something in the mail, like a mix cd or a letter, if you inbox us your address.

thank you so so much

- mia

that color under your eyes that you dislike so much

happens to be my favorite shade of purple

steam, mist, thick clouds of tiny water droplets

the windstorm in my stomach 

and the friendly warmth on on my skin 

after I’ve consumed too many spirits 

and decided that the word heal 

does not mean healthy 

I feel everything, sometimes all the way down to my knees

and back up again

I feel your smile on my forehead when you sit up from bed just to kiss me 

I feel the nervousness in your voice when you say “i’ve missed you.”

or tell me about the things that make you anxious 

I feel you like a woven blanket

I feel the wintry shiver in my bones when you get up from the couch to smoke 

and boy do I wish I had a bigger coat 

because I don’t want any part of it 

one day, with eyes wide open I will be looking around

in a world you aren’t in anymore

and I will close my eyes and remember

trying to find your face 

in the tar colored midst of my bed 

and remember the sound of your laugh

after I’ve accidentally poked your eye 

and remember the sound of my laugh

and remember the clicking you constantly made in your mouth

because your middle school teacher once told you 

to stop drumming on the tables

thank you 

thank you for showing me that it’s okay 

thank you for showing me that standing up for myself

isn’t the same as being mean 

thank you for always want to help me

and understanding me when I won’t let you

thank you for not just caring about me but helping me 

grow to care for myself 

because one day, with eyes wide open I will be looking around

in a world you aren’t in anymore 

and I will be okay

sometimes i feel like i am swimming through hot clean water, smiling feels very easy, my body seems to float from one meaningful place to another, i am weightless and music is another world, even trash is beautiful, if i were a drawing there would be flowers growing out of my head, i forget that other people around me do not feel the same way

sometimes every bone aches, my clothes feel like they are strangling me, i want to take a shower directly after getting out of the shower, my eyes can’t open wide enough, music is a noise like the microwave beeping, and every time i laugh i am doing it solely for other people

the room was glowing orange and i was staring at a shadow of a chair and i was unable to feel anything that was happening; i only know he used three fingers because he asked how three fingers felt. it felt like nothing. he reminded me how wet i was, asked how i felt about being eaten out, asked how i felt about being fucked in the ass, told me he liked feisty girls when i kicked his arm and said, “don’t touch me there,” but he didn’t touch me there. he grabbed my face and made me look into his eyes, tried to kiss me, laughed when i moved my head to avoid his lips. the room was glowing orange and eventually all i could see was shadows. color disappeared from the room and i saw myself lying on the sheets, confused, numb, sweaty. i watched myself pull my underwear up and roll onto my side, face the body that was just on top of me and i saw a cinematic tear roll down the bridge of my nose. in that instance, i missed myself and my body, i missed everything that was on that bed seven minutes before, i didn’t see any good surround the two bodies pretending to be asleep.

imagine that you wake up around four in the morning in the tiny wooden dining room under a pillow fort that is just a sheet covering three chairs, and the windows are open and it’s raining out and the room is cold but humid, and you wake him up and tell him you’re going up to the bed and he is tired but he holds onto your waist from the back and leans his head on your back and says I’m coming with you, and you take his hands in yours and smile to yourself as you drag him up the stairs and you think that he is broken but beautiful and everything is full of love


imagine when you finally feel broken too and you aren’t sleeping and it’s late and you’re staring out his window looking at stickers he put there as a kid: a sparkly almost holographic-like cat holding a ball of yarn and five little gold stars circling around the cat, a green dinosaur you forget the name of but not a t-Rex - something that eats plants for sure, and the white paper remains of a sticker that was peeled off. he sits up and looks at you concerned, says your name, says what are you doing. sounds afraid. (((why is this sadness contagious now it never was before))) you have a slow reaction speed but you muster out this question: what used to be there? you point to the paper remains, he seems confused, why are you thinking about that, he says “i think a sticker of Niagara Falls, like a photograph of it but in sticker form” “did your family go to Niagara Falls” “no it was just a sticker from this nature book” “why did you take it off?” you could cry, you’re not even looking at him, you’re looking at the window, he says are you okay, you tilt your head back so it’s resting on the woodwork of the window, you take a deep breath and sigh out “yeah.” he is broken too and when you lay down with him and hold each other and try to sleep it is not clear who has the stronger grip anymore, you think this isn’t like you, you think you love him like always but you fall sleep imagining you’re falling down Niagara Falls and you can’t do this you can’t do this you can’t do this you can’t do this you can’t do this you can’t do this you can’t do this///

you have to do this you want to do this you love to do this but you can’t do this anymore.

It’s so tough to live when you’re torn in half - my love for you divides me like a razor. 
I love you. I want you to be happy, to enjoy your solidarity while on this roadtrip. I want you to find peace and joy in yourself, who you are without a crutch. I want you to learn to walk, to run again. I want you to bask in the the beauty of this world and let that be enough. Let it fuel your heart and ignite your soul. I want you to find inspiration in the fading sunlight of evening and wake with the dawn to feel the cool first light of day. I want you renewed and rejoicing in the life you’ve found. I can’t be happy when you’re in pain. 
But god, do I want you here. I want you to give up your quest for solitude and find strength in the curve of my arms surrounding you. I want you to need me like I need you, to ache for my touch and yearn for the way I clumsily string words together. I want to be your strongest source of laughter. Your lamppost in the coldest wood. I want to be the beacon light shining home. I want you to feel my ache in your gut, to know the horror your words have left in the cavity of my chest. I want you to see how you’ve yanked my heart out and are still dragging it carelessly behind as you run away. I want you to lose sleep because you know I’ve lost my way. I want you to come running back to me and hold me close, remember the years you spent alive in my hands. Remember the beauty of the canvas we painted with our love. I want you to remember your promises and the life you gave me. I want you to soothe my aching voice screaming in the black of night and whisper that it’s okay, you’ll never leave me again. I want you to take my pain and carry it just like I never wanted to be here now.
I’m torn in half - warring with myself for who I think is more important - me or you. And the problem is that it should be me, but I’m happier when it’s you.

August 10
12:21 am

In response to making him tell me he loves me through the persistent baring of my soul.

i had a friend in highschool

and she had her own problems and that’s okay, that wasn’t the issue

but she used and abused people and had a way of making you feel like her problems were never her own doing; they were never her fault, they were yours 

and her friends from home stopped hearing from her once she moved away and went to school in the capital

and she cheated on her boyfriend with at least one dude, but realistically we’ll never know how many it was because she did it several times while she lived at home

and i just saw a tumblr post of hers about how she loved her new friends and how they were so much better because they ‘treated her well’

and i am sick to my stomach

we tried so hard to be enough for her

she’s a witch and i hope someday someone burns her.