imagine that you wake up around four in the morning in the tiny wooden dining room under a pillow fort that is just a sheet covering three chairs, and the windows are open and it’s raining out and the room is cold but humid, and you wake him up and tell him you’re going up to the bed and he is tired but he holds onto your waist from the back and leans his head on your back and says I’m coming with you, and you take his hands in yours and smile to yourself as you drag him up the stairs and you think that he is broken but beautiful and everything is full of love

imagine when you finally feel broken too and you aren’t sleeping and it’s late and you’re staring out his window looking at stickers he put there as a kid: a sparkly almost holographic-like cat holding a ball of yarn and five little gold stars circling around the cat, a green dinosaur you forget the name of but not a t-Rex - something that eats plants for sure, and the white paper remains of a sticker that was peeled off. he sits up and looks at you concerned, says your name, says what are you doing. sounds afraid. (((why is this sadness contagious now it never was before))) you have a slow reaction speed but you muster out this question: what used to be there? you point to the paper remains, he seems confused, why are you thinking about that, he says “i think a sticker of Niagara Falls, like a photograph of it but in sticker form” “did your family go to Niagara Falls” “no it was just a sticker from this nature book” “why did you take it off?” you could cry, you’re not even looking at him, you’re looking at the window, he says are you okay, you tilt your head back so it’s resting on the woodwork of the window, you take a deep breath and sigh out “yeah.” he is broken too and when you lay down with him and hold each other and try to sleep it is not clear who has the stronger grip anymore, you think this isn’t like you, you think you love him like always but you fall sleep imagining you’re falling down Niagara Falls and you can’t do this you can’t do this you can’t do this you can’t do this you can’t do this you can’t do this you can’t do this///

you have to do this you want to do this you love to do this but you can’t do this anymore.

It’s so tough to live when you’re torn in half - my love for you divides me like a razor. 
I love you. I want you to be happy, to enjoy your solidarity while on this roadtrip. I want you to find peace and joy in yourself, who you are without a crutch. I want you to learn to walk, to run again. I want you to bask in the the beauty of this world and let that be enough. Let it fuel your heart and ignite your soul. I want you to find inspiration in the fading sunlight of evening and wake with the dawn to feel the cool first light of day. I want you renewed and rejoicing in the life you’ve found. I can’t be happy when you’re in pain. 
But god, do I want you here. I want you to give up your quest for solitude and find strength in the curve of my arms surrounding you. I want you to need me like I need you, to ache for my touch and yearn for the way I clumsily string words together. I want to be your strongest source of laughter. Your lamppost in the coldest wood. I want to be the beacon light shining home. I want you to feel my ache in your gut, to know the horror your words have left in the cavity of my chest. I want you to see how you’ve yanked my heart out and are still dragging it carelessly behind as you run away. I want you to lose sleep because you know I’ve lost my way. I want you to come running back to me and hold me close, remember the years you spent alive in my hands. Remember the beauty of the canvas we painted with our love. I want you to remember your promises and the life you gave me. I want you to soothe my aching voice screaming in the black of night and whisper that it’s okay, you’ll never leave me again. I want you to take my pain and carry it just like I never wanted to be here now.
I’m torn in half - warring with myself for who I think is more important - me or you. And the problem is that it should be me, but I’m happier when it’s you.

August 10
12:21 am

In response to making him tell me he loves me through the persistent baring of my soul.

i had a friend in highschool

and she had her own problems and that’s okay, that wasn’t the issue

but she used and abused people and had a way of making you feel like her problems were never her own doing; they were never her fault, they were yours 

and her friends from home stopped hearing from her once she moved away and went to school in the capital

and she cheated on her boyfriend with at least one dude, but realistically we’ll never know how many it was because she did it several times while she lived at home

and i just saw a tumblr post of hers about how she loved her new friends and how they were so much better because they ‘treated her well’

and i am sick to my stomach

we tried so hard to be enough for her

she’s a witch and i hope someday someone burns her.

Maybe John Green was right and love is just a shout into the void. Maybe I love you but I still let him pull me in by the waist. Maybe you’re the beginning and end of everything but in the in-betweens you’re always on your way out the door to the next great adventure and he’s here, eyes lingering on me like I’m the adventure he’s been waiting for this whole time. 

What do we do now?

You may have let her go but you haven’t lost her. You can have her again: all you need to do is turn around. She’ll be waiting there for a while.

Yes. I miss you. Our late night cigarettes. Our drunken bouts. Falling asleep on skype. Blasting our music. Chilling to reggae. Our showers were the best. The motorcycle rides were a bit scary. Watching documentaries on Netflix. I miss our ideas and plans to go anywhere on the planet, as long as it was together. 

My god, do I miss you. I miss us. Why do people have to change? Why can’t the demons stay locked up for good? Why can’t all the bullshit disappear? Why can’t I want to be with you again? Yet I miss us. Our love was do real, so strong. Then one day, waking up alone again feels to familiar. I’m sorry this heart cannot forgive. I’m sorry I can’t let go. I’m sorry I threw away our fantasy.

Even though I watched you die, I still wake up expecting you to walk into my lap purring.

I have a boyfriend now. This is my first make out session, first time kissing a black guy, (fourth guy I’ve kissed overall), first boyfriend. This day has a lot of first in it. I thought I would feel butterflies, or passion but I felt very cool headed, and dispassionate. Its only now when I’m thinking back on what happened that I’m feelings like something new is happening. In the moment I was just very level headed aware of what I was doing, kind of nervous about it because I was taking a risk, but not passionate. I feel very very comfortable around him, but not passionate about him. but I think passion is overrated, like the whole fight, then fuck then fight then fuck cycle is just stupid. I rather be in a relationship that is comfortable and calm than one where I have butterflies but then I hate him. But part of me wants to feel some kind of passion, and wants him to want to get to know me a bit more. But he is a gentleman, and I am really really comfortable around him, and starting a relationship with him was easy. way easier than my other attempts at starting a relationship. I just hope the passion comes in later after getting to know him instead of being at the beginning of a relationship. kissing him was not bad, there was tongue. I’m glad I set boundaries and cut off the makeout session before it move to a different base. He is a guy who I would normally just be freinds with because there isn’t those butterflies there. but maybe the only reason I had butterflies with previous guys is because I thought I should not be dating them and it was all about the risk and it wasn’t about actually having a connection with the guy, just the fact that It felt risky dating them. we went from meeting, to texting, to hanging out to making out in the span of one week. this is the easiest start to a relationship that I’ve ever had, and possibly the easiest one I will ever have. I just don’t feel passionately about it. there wasn’t butterflies but maybe that is because I’m an adult and not a teenager, I don’t have raging hormones anymore that make me fall in love with a guy at first site, I’m an adult now I’m more level-headed, and confident. A guy noticing me doesn’t make my day anymore. I can set sexual boundaries. I can talk to guys without feeling nervous. I’m way more realistic and level headed than I was before. I’m glad to be in a relationship though. This is my first relationship and I’ve been craving a relationship for a year now. I just want to go through all the relationship milestones so I can say that I did and so I can have an ex-boyfriend to talk about when other women are talking about their ex-boyfriend. I want those little intimacies that come with being in a relationship, and now I’ll have them. I like him, he is a good guy, were a bit awkward around each other (or maybe I’m just awkward) but I think I’ll get over it and I think over time passion will grow, and the beginning of any thing is never the best part especially a relationship because we are both trying to impress each other and we aren’t being ourselves and were both nervous. But if I feel comfortable enough around him to let him into my personal space so easily then I think that is a good omen for a relationship. I think the lack of passion is just about being a level headed adult and this being the beginning of the relationship. but I’m worried about it and I’m worried about how we only have good chemistry 60% of the time and then we have awkwardness/a disconnect 40% of the time, but making out was solid and hanging out was solid, so this relationship will definitely continue. I don’t know if I should tell people though, like I don’t want to be that girl who is bragging about being in a relationship or who only talks about her boyfriend and nothing else, but I have to tell people and eventually I will have to introduce him to my friends. I think they will like him, he’s cool.

Also I’m looking to buy a car and both of the car owners (of the two cars I’m looking to buy) seem like really nice people. I didn’t really concentrate on inspecting the second car I looked at because I was too busy think about the fact that I have a boyfriend now. the first car owner was really nice. they gave me free pizza, offered to teach me how to drive a manual car, and offered to change the oil on the car. I partially want to buy the car because they were so nice, plus it is a Toyota. But the second car seems pretty great too, and it has a lot of space which would be perfect for going back home, and it is automatic shift which I am used to. It drives nice. I trust both of the sellers so that isn’t a big issue. I think I will just make a pro and con list, my heart is with the Toyota car but my brain is with the ford car so I don’t know. Its not just the owners the toyota car seems more like a “first car” kind of car. something I’m comfortable with and that is cozy. Something that will give me trouble but that won’t break down on me. something old but sturdy, like it was my grandfathers car that he passed on to me. 

Between getting a boyfriend, liking the car sellers, getting free pizza, hanging out with my friends at a team dinner and how easy my work shifts have been, along with getting a full work shift covered without having to change shifts I have been so lucky this week. I feel like I’m on cloud nine. Maybe this list just shows I have low expectations for life, but there have been a string of good things happening to me. I kind of feel blessed. I’m worried about the lucky streak ending but I am so so so glad its happening. 

Well I have homework to do, so bye 


more lights and colors via cell phone pics and video stills

look @ my pics pt. 2

i’m sorry it took me so long to realize we were the rule and not the exception. i’m sorry it took me so long to not be angry. i’m sorry it took me too long. i’m sorry.

A list of good things

  • dogs that like to sleep next to you
  • cats that like to cuddle
  • when cats headbutt you to show they love you
  • basically everything can be gluten-free if you want it to be
  • there are so many ways to put your work out there and be noticed
  • this video (its a cat that purrs really fucking loud)
  • THIS VIDEO (a fox in a wildlife sanctuary named chuckles)
  • there is someone in this world who probably has the job of socializing with wild animals in sanctuaries to get them used to human interaction to help them become advocates for their species
  • dolphins have been known to fight off sharks to protect humans
  • killer whales have more complex relationships and a more complex language than humans
  • you can literally go to a store right now as you read this no matter what time it is and buy ingredients to bake a fucking cake
  • and entire cake
  • kimya dawson is a person that really truly exists 
  • there is probably someone in this world who is thinking of how much they love you right at this very moment. they are probably sitting in bed and thinking “man i wish i was with them right now, they always know how to make me smile”
  • when dogs tilt their heads when they are confused
  • this video with jack & rachel antonoff, alia shawkat, and natasha leggero where they recreate Top That! from teen witch 
  • this video of rachel & jack & andrew dost & gillian jacobs & mae whitman & jenny slate recreating the story of how jack & rachels paretns met in college
  • nate ruess has finally become what he always wanted to be after years and years of feeling inadequate: well-known, and famous for doing what he loves. he has played on stage with queen, the band that inspired him to even become a musician, and he is best friends with someone he admired from afar for a very long time, jack antonoff
  • you can grow from bad periods in your life and become a better and better person if you allow yourself to
  • teaching people things and seeing them excel at it, seeing them be really happy for finally getting it, having them show you with excitement how good they are at it now
  • really really fluffy animals
  • finding a shirt that fits you perfectly, or pants, or anything really thats fucking awesome and fits your body really well
  • this poem andrea gibson wrote about their dog
  • this poem “unsolicited advice to adolescent girls with crooked teeth and pink hair”
  • no matter what you have been through, there is someone in this world who knows what you are feeling even if you do not know them and never will, you are never really alone
  • someone though “what if” and crossed a lion and a tiger and now ligers exist 
  • one time i was talking to a boy i had a “”“crush”“” on and i farted really loudly
  • actually that happened two times with 2 different boys and both times one of my best friends were there and they can vouch that was hilarious/embarrassing as hell both times
  • pam beasley is a character that someone really came up with
  • the movies: my girl, stand by me, whip it!, the goonies, harriet the spy, now and then, heathers, short term 12, bachelorette, aquamarine

Can we all get together and do each other a favour? We need to stop writing about bullshit. I am so tired of seeing sentences, paragraphs, and novels without any substance or meaning. Pretty words don’t have value unless there’s a driving force behind them. So please, stop writing about how we’re all made of stardust and how your lips are the colour of strawberries and taste like licorice. Stop writing just to get attention, to get notes or comments or likes. Write because you have something to say. Words hold great power; don’t abuse them. 

tonight i left my apartment for a cigarette, fingers brushing against the beige walls and the electric blue-hot pink hula hoop hanging on one of them as i steadied myself to put on brown shoes, shorts tugged up over pyjama boxers because i couldn’t give a shit

i padded out to the edge of the grey parking lot, past where the ugly yellow streetlights manage to reach

there across the lake, across a black expanse of water, i saw a firework shoot up. then, not seconds later, another, what looked to me to be just a few inches away. really it must have been quite some space, on a beach on the other side. the first one shot up like a signal flare, all alternating green and red.

the second was identical, like a rescue flare, like a lover when you call them panicking in the middle of the night, and they’re saying, “no, i am here, you’re okay, we’re okay.”

then, further southwest, a third firework, the kind that looks like dandelion puffs, sending seeds all out, telling the first two, “you are not alone.”

a fourth went off, again, from somewhere else, and when it did my hurt burst, i mean my heart burst. none of us are alone, it’s just that sometimes the fireworks don’t go off in rhythm, we can’t see each other for all this dark, all this bland, but sometimes it’s perfect, and the timing is right, we just have to wait until that moment. we need to make it there.

when we finally get it all down pat, the colour is there, the explosions of light and the sound too far away to hear, telling us in stuttering morse code flash combustions that we’re okay. this is me, exploding for you. this is me, always about to burst.

i am here. you are here. we’re okay. let that be the salvo we fire into the world. we’re okay, or we’re going to be. the fireworks across the dark, paroxysms of heart-lights fizzling out, only to relight and burst again.

relight with me.


things i learned today:
1. my phone’s features for blocking texts and for blocking calls are two separate things
2. gmail doesnt have a way to block senders, but it does have a way to send emails directly to your trash bin