i’m sorry it took me so long to realize we were the rule and not the exception. i’m sorry it took me so long to not be angry. i’m sorry it took me too long. i’m sorry.

A list of good things

  • dogs that like to sleep next to you
  • cats that like to cuddle
  • when cats headbutt you to show they love you
  • basically everything can be gluten-free if you want it to be
  • there are so many ways to put your work out there and be noticed
  • this video (its a cat that purrs really fucking loud)
  • THIS VIDEO (a fox in a wildlife sanctuary named chuckles)
  • there is someone in this world who probably has the job of socializing with wild animals in sanctuaries to get them used to human interaction to help them become advocates for their species
  • dolphins have been known to fight off sharks to protect humans
  • killer whales have more complex relationships and a more complex language than humans
  • you can literally go to a store right now as you read this no matter what time it is and buy ingredients to bake a fucking cake
  • and entire cake
  • kimya dawson is a person that really truly exists 
  • there is probably someone in this world who is thinking of how much they love you right at this very moment. they are probably sitting in bed and thinking “man i wish i was with them right now, they always know how to make me smile”
  • when dogs tilt their heads when they are confused
  • this video with jack & rachel antonoff, alia shawkat, and natasha leggero where they recreate Top That! from teen witch 
  • this video of rachel & jack & andrew dost & gillian jacobs & mae whitman & jenny slate recreating the story of how jack & rachels paretns met in college
  • nate ruess has finally become what he always wanted to be after years and years of feeling inadequate: well-known, and famous for doing what he loves. he has played on stage with queen, the band that inspired him to even become a musician, and he is best friends with someone he admired from afar for a very long time, jack antonoff
  • you can grow from bad periods in your life and become a better and better person if you allow yourself to
  • teaching people things and seeing them excel at it, seeing them be really happy for finally getting it, having them show you with excitement how good they are at it now
  • really really fluffy animals
  • finding a shirt that fits you perfectly, or pants, or anything really thats fucking awesome and fits your body really well
  • this poem andrea gibson wrote about their dog
  • this poem “unsolicited advice to adolescent girls with crooked teeth and pink hair”
  • no matter what you have been through, there is someone in this world who knows what you are feeling even if you do not know them and never will, you are never really alone
  • someone though “what if” and crossed a lion and a tiger and now ligers exist 
  • one time i was talking to a boy i had a “”“crush”“” on and i farted really loudly
  • actually that happened two times with 2 different boys and both times one of my best friends were there and they can vouch that was hilarious/embarrassing as hell both times
  • pam beasley is a character that someone really came up with
  • the movies: my girl, stand by me, whip it!, the goonies, harriet the spy, now and then, heathers, short term 12, bachelorette, aquamarine

Can we all get together and do each other a favour? We need to stop writing about bullshit. I am so tired of seeing sentences, paragraphs, and novels without any substance or meaning. Pretty words don’t have value unless there’s a driving force behind them. So please, stop writing about how we’re all made of stardust and how your lips are the colour of strawberries and taste like licorice. Stop writing just to get attention, to get notes or comments or likes. Write because you have something to say. Words hold great power; don’t abuse them. 

tonight i left my apartment for a cigarette, fingers brushing against the beige walls and the electric blue-hot pink hula hoop hanging on one of them as i steadied myself to put on brown shoes, shorts tugged up over pyjama boxers because i couldn’t give a shit

i padded out to the edge of the grey parking lot, past where the ugly yellow streetlights manage to reach

there across the lake, across a black expanse of water, i saw a firework shoot up. then, not seconds later, another, what looked to me to be just a few inches away. really it must have been quite some space, on a beach on the other side. the first one shot up like a signal flare, all alternating green and red.

the second was identical, like a rescue flare, like a lover when you call them panicking in the middle of the night, and they’re saying, “no, i am here, you’re okay, we’re okay.”

then, further southwest, a third firework, the kind that looks like dandelion puffs, sending seeds all out, telling the first two, “you are not alone.”

a fourth went off, again, from somewhere else, and when it did my hurt burst, i mean my heart burst. none of us are alone, it’s just that sometimes the fireworks don’t go off in rhythm, we can’t see each other for all this dark, all this bland, but sometimes it’s perfect, and the timing is right, we just have to wait until that moment. we need to make it there.

when we finally get it all down pat, the colour is there, the explosions of light and the sound too far away to hear, telling us in stuttering morse code flash combustions that we’re okay. this is me, exploding for you. this is me, always about to burst.

i am here. you are here. we’re okay. let that be the salvo we fire into the world. we’re okay, or we’re going to be. the fireworks across the dark, paroxysms of heart-lights fizzling out, only to relight and burst again.

relight with me.

relight.

things i learned today:
1. my phone’s features for blocking texts and for blocking calls are two separate things
2. gmail doesnt have a way to block senders, but it does have a way to send emails directly to your trash bin

there’s a little clock inside that keeps ticking

i met my soulmate five years ago.

it was unlike anything i’ve ever experienced.

i thought it would be something magical and hey, i, the biggest cynic ever, thought that maybe we would have a happy ride-into-the-sunset ending.

boy was i wrong. was i so, so, so fucking wrong. he led me on and left me as fast as he came into my life.

nothing ever happened between us. i can’t even be angry at him (i tried that for, um… three years). i know if i ever saw him again everything i ever tried to shield myself from would come rushing back.

i’m a thousand percent sure that he IS my soulmate. (you know when people say “you just know”? yeah). but as i learned the hard way, sometimes, these things don’t work out.

he’s with someone now.

someone once told me that people are like gems. the purest have been through fire, they have had all their ore chipped away quite painfully. and that in reality the great guy and girl rarely get together. sometimes the good guy and girl do, often the bad guy and girl unite their inadequacies. but the Greats tend not to.

it’s been decided. i’m going to be a wandering brokenhearted crazy person for the rest of my life. it’s kind of hilarious and sad, but what if there’s a possibility that it could be fun????????

and now i leave you with this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuxU5an9-H8

good night and fuck my fucking life.

l o l fucking COOL that everyone seems to be graduating and getting engaged and starting cool lives while i’m struggling to even stay in school and pay rent like FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE

i kissed a girl (or so i’m told) and i don’t know whether i liked it or not because i was too wasted to even remember it.

in perhaps a year’s time, i am going to propose to her. maybe at a concert, she’ll be sweaty and breathless, and i will have disappeared into a crowd briefly, be battered and laughing too hard. i’ll have a sterling silver ring at in my jeans pocket - we’re not the people that diamonds are made for. she doesn’t need a diamond, she is one. between the band’s “last song” and the encore, i’ll push my way back to her, or maybe i’ll have already found her, grabbed her, kissed her, during the last verses, and then i will get down on one knee in the middle of all these other endorphin-high people, and i will tell her again what she is to me, and i will ask her if she’s willing to spend the rest of her life (or, more likely, the rest of my life, though that’s not a phrase i’d use in a goddamn proposal because even though she loves my dark, she wishes it wasn’t there) being that. for me.

in perhaps a year’s time, i’ll do that, if i haven’t managed to stop breathing because i live on my own now and i think the attacks are coming back. in the dead of night, and in the early mornings, it’s just me, my shower, the lake outside and the breeze blowing across it. i won the battle. i’d forgot about the war.

I dont trust you and I don’t trust myself and I don’t know who really cares about me and I don’t like myself and I hate mirrors and our friendship hurts me too much to be healthy and I think I need some time and I think I need to figure out my life first.. I want to believe that I am worth it but I cant because you make me feel like im not a real person and I never feel good enough for you and I look at the scale too much and I am so sick of everyone telling me im too skinny and I want to eat but I’m scared I’l throw it up so I don’t eat but I know I should. Im better than this but for some reason I feel like I deserve this. I’m scared it’s getting bad again you make it bad again this is dangerous and im scared. I’m very scared. 

I have a crush.

I said it. I said it out loud and I didn’t die. 

problem: I can’t have a crush. I’m in a committed, monogamous relationship. 
bigger problem: it’s on my high school boyfriend.

We were together for six months. Six months when I was 17 and he was 19. It’s a while ago now. We broke up because we were two awkward virgins who couldn’t even kiss each other. But the rest of it worked, and it worked well, and I can’t help but think that now, now we’re older, now we’re better at intimacy (for lack of a better word), we could have something amazing

problem: he’s one of my best friends.
bigger problem: we’re in a play together
biggest problem: we’re going away together in October 

He is the closest thing I have to the one who got away, you know?

I don’t want to leave my partner. I love him. We’re going to get married one day. We have a house, and some cats. I love this, and I’m not going to throw it away. 

But I can’t stop thinking what if what if what if.

i want to buy a plant and clean my room and be happy. hot pockets and turkey sandwiches are how i keep from completely relapsing. 

There is such a lack of respect for each other in my family and my family has really shitty communication skills. 

I have decided to become a mediator explaining people’s opinions and feelings to each other because no one is listening in the situation so I decided to become the person that listens. because everyone else just talks with the expectation that they will be heard instead of stepping back and getting the other person’s perspective on the situation. My dad is the chief person who does this I hate how he will go on and on about his own perspective on a situation and then stonewalls when the other person tries to explain their side of the situation. In  the past I would either stay in my room and silently fume about the lack of respect that my family members have for each other (like my mom) or I would behave like my dad (and do the exact behavior that I hate) by stating my own view and ignoring the views of others. Now I feel like I have found a third way instead of staying angry or trying to change my family members I can be the change that I want to see in the world. i want my family members to listen to each other more so I can listen and set the example and try and change the mood of respect in my family. I won’t just keep to myself and be silently miserable and bottle up my feelings but at the same time I won’t stonewall, and put my own views above others, and trying dominate others in a discussion (like my dad) I will try the middle path of just listening and paraphrasing what the other person has said. Maybe to help my brothers and father realize that they are not listening to each other but mostly to practice listening when I am defensive instead of stonewalling, and putting my own views above others (like my dad) or keeping my feelings to myself and being passive aggressive (like my mom) when I get defensive I tend to turn to my parents behavior because that is the behavior that I learned from my childhood, but I don’t want to act like my parents especially with my own kids some day and definitely not with my husband, which means that I have to learn how to act differently from my parents when defensive instead of turning into them, and by listening instead of falling back on there behavior, I am trying something new and practicing a new way of acting while defensive and in an argument. I’m trying to acknowledge the fact that I am no better than my brother or parents and that I do the the same shitty behavior as them, and I’m trying to catch myself after I behave like my parents so I can slowly change my behavior the third step is trying to push myself to do something different instead of just defaulting to how my parents would act in a situation. 

All that anger I felt at 14 is rushing back all those times when I felt disrespected and like what I had to say wasn’t important are rising to the surface and now I can’t sleep because I’m so pissed at my dad, like I kind of want to punch him in the face. I hate the fact that he never listens in an argument or discussion he feels like the whole discussion should be about him and what he wants and uses the discussion to be critical of me or my brothers and explain his disapproval of us instead of listening to our side of the perspective. every time my brother tried to explain his side of the story in a discussion my brother and dad had last night my dad tried to cut him off and shut him up by saying “okay, okay” or “listen to me” or “fine you don’t want to listen to me” to dismiss his word instead of hearing my brother out and if my brother kept talking then my dad would literally walk away from him instead of listening to what he had to say. and while walking away he would repeat “you don’t want to listen to me fine” to dismiss anything my brother had to say. It infuriates me and makes me so angry that my dad doesn’t take a second to listen to my brother. He literally either 1) talks about his perspective 2) criticizes my brother about the issue 3) talks over my brother by saying one of the dismissive statements above to try and cut him off from talking anytime my brother wants to explain his side of the story 4) walks away when my brother tries to do the same thing he does which is talk over the person in an attempt to get your ideas heard. I hate the fact that my dad doesn’t listen to me or my brothers in a discussion he either talks over us or stonewalls us or repeats his own point of view but he never listens he never stops thinking about his own view or voicing his own view to listen to us, even in those rare times where he is like “alright talk about your side”, he doesn’t make eye contact he looks impatient and is tapping his foot like he is waiting for us to shut up so he can talk. and then after we explain he doesn’t acknowledge what we said and instead he just repeats what his point of view as if we never told him our point of view. i hate the fact that my dad thinks respect is a one way street, that in any discussion one person loses respect and another person gains respect. aka (he gains all the respect and we lose all the respect) and that to listen to another person’s point of view, or to stop constantly asserting his view is to lose respect. I hate how he confuses domination with respect. I believe respect is a two way street that it is about acknowledging that another person’s perspective and opinions and feelings are just as important as your own and you can’t receive respect unless you give it. My dad acts like the person who acts the most indifferent and the most aggressive is the one that gets the respect, and that getting respect is a battle that he has to win, by constantly repeating his own view, putting the other person down with criticism, and ignoring what the other person has to say to get respect like only his thoughts and feelings should be the one that is voiced and voicing another person’s thoughts and feeling equals not getting respect to him because respect is something that only one person can have. I hate how he confuses dominance with respect. I hate how it leave me and my brothers feeling unimportant, rejected, and angry. because we did get any respect because my dad sucked it all up, when we feeling deep down inside that we need and deserve some of that respect that my dad is sucking up and trying to get “all” of. I just wish people in my family could openly give and receive respect instead of trying to hoard it all, by taking it from another person in my family because everyone feels that they are not getting enough respect so they have to “take it” from someone else. Its an annoying and constantly present pattern of feeling angry because you get no respect and then trying to “take” that respect from someone else which leads to that person feeling angry because they are getting no respect for example my dad ignoring my brother and just restating his own view made my brother feel angry because he wasn’t being respected in the situation which caused him to go and try to “take respect” from my mom but calling her names and constantly restating his own point of view (just like my dad) 

but at the same time a few days after a fight goes down I completely forget about the anger I harbor towards my dad and how he stonewalls, and states his own point over the points of others. But I guess, I can’t be perpetually angry and constantly fuming and having my heart rate up I have to move on just to stay healthy and to not have stress and anger eat away at my health, but at the same time I act nice to him and apologies to him even though a few days earlier I hated him. I guess my anger at him take form in the want not to be close to him or to talk to him about things or to ask him to help me with anything like the want to always have some distance between us is the constant presence of my anger towards him about the way discussions are conducted 

I can’t move back home, my mom is constantly dropping hints that I should move back home after college but the thought of moving back home after college fills me up with dread because I don’t want to become like my brother. I don’t want to constantly feel like a rebellious teenager which my brother feels like. I don’t want to constantly feel frustrated and angry about how my parents treat me but at the same time dependent on them and angry at myself because of that dependence. I don’t want to constantly be rebelling from my parents to try and get an inch of respect from them. my brother feel aimless because everything is taken care of so he doesn’t feel that desperation and need that a person needs to have to grow up. At the same time my brother is stuck in my family politics because he is living at home, he is stuck with my dad’s criticalness and my mom’s nit picking and passive aggressiveness he is stuck with the fact that my parents tend to tell there own perspective and ignore the other person’s perspective in my family and since he is living at home is gets stuck resenting my parents and then rebelling against them and then my parents get critical and passive aggressive and my brother resents them and a negative cycle builds that he is stuck in and he continuously feel angry and frustrated and powerless like we all did when me and my brothers were teenagers. I don’t want to become my brother I don’t want to feel that anger and powerless and have to deal with that lack of respect all the time which would happen if I lived at home.  

I hate how my mom is at the lowest end of the respect totem poll in my house. I hate how my dad is at the top demanding that we all obey him and I hate how my mom is at the bottom and my brothers expect respect from her. like the flow of respect goes from my dad down and ends with my mom getting nothing and has my dad at the top trying to suck up all of it and not give it to anyone. I hate how her wants and needs come last. I hate how my dad will show disrespect for my brothers and then my brothers will show disrespect for my mom all the time they call her names, they tell her to shut up, they completely ignore her when she is talking to them, they talk to her like a child to be disciplined when they are asking for something from her instead of like she is the one with the power in the situation. I have a big fear that when I’m married and I’m in a family I’ll be at the lowest point in the totem poll and this fear is fueling the need and anger and desperation behind the whole fifty-fifty parenting and housecare like I really really want it in my own marriage and adult relationship and I even tried to push my brothers into it now because I wanted it so badly for me its a shield against ending up at the lowest point of the respect totem poll like my mom is, a daily and constant reminder that I am respected, I feel the same way about staying at work instead of dropping out, I’m afraid if I drop out of work and become a housewife then I will end up at the bottom of my families respect totem poll because dad will be the one with the money and thus the power while I’ll be the one without the money or power to my kids and they will trample over me. I believe that my mom being on the bottom of the totem poll started with her quitting employment to be a housewife and I don’t want to make that mistake and end up not getting respect from anyone. 

I need to sit down with my dad and talk about his listening skills with him like two adults instead of just silently hating him, I need to practice saying “I need, I want, and I feel” phrases instead of just saying “you are” phrases. In my head I’m constantly putting down my dad, and criticizing him (like what he does to me and my brothers) and I need to put new techniques into practice instead of acting like him and doing the very same behaviors that I hate in him. I need to be mature and start to change myself and stop myself from behaving like my parents instead o criticizing them and trying to change them (which is what my dad does) 

I need to focus on changing myself so I don’t display this behavior of silently fuming, or trying to win discussions or assert my view over someone else view, or criticizing and trying to force someone to change, or putting someone else down instead of being open and honest about my feelings, or stonewalling, by stating my own point and then walking away. I do all of theses shitty behaviors that I constantly notice and criticize my parents and brothers for  so I’m not above them. I can’t and will never change my brothers or parents and I need to focus on changing myself because that is the only person I can change and I need to make sure I don’t display these behaviors in the future when I’m married and when I have kids or even when I start my first relationship, I don’t want to be doing these shitty behaviors in a romantic relationship. I want to have new more conductive argument styles and I want to be able to openly give and receive respect by the time that I start my first relationship. I just need to change myself. 

I need to stop coming here

Maybe its fucked up, but sometimes I’ve just gotta know I’m not the only one with problems. So I take out my boat, and ride the river down to the ocean of consciousness where we meet up like fishermen at coastal bars telling stories of foreign women and drunken sailors. I don’t like posts with my tumblr, instead I treat it like slam poetry and quietly snap to myself in agreement.

Snap along to me if you want.

I’ve gotta stop coming to this place, because I keep running into her. Ever since the first time I stumbled across her liking a post, it’s like a disease: reading through everyone’s stories and instead of liking them myself, checking who else has and I know its a mistake immediately. When she’s not there, I wonder why. It tears me up that I know she reads over these posts, and didn’t agree strongly enough to like them the way I’d hoped. But it’s even worse when she is in the notes section, constantly rehashing my confusion about where we stand with every reblog. What if it’s about me, what the fuck am I supposed to do about it. You tell her you know how she feels, you tell her you care and the secrets out: the safety of this ocean we all share is compromised the moment she knows that I know about it. And the fear of the alternative is enough to make you do more than cringe, what if it isn’t about you. For any given post, each reblog and like could be about any number of other people. 

Why the fuck don’t I just have the courage to ask. Ask her if the shits about us, ask her how she really feels (no, not what she tells me in our private moments together, but what she only feels safe telling millions of people on the internet), ask her what she wants to do about these feelings, ask her if she wants to give it a chance. Just kidding, I don’t ask for the same reason we never ask the hard questions: we’re afraid of the answers. 

Not to mention the likelihood of her own personal submissions that don’t she wouldn’t dare acknowledge with her real account. Some say knowledge is power, I say fuck that, its a curse. If I’d never known about this ocean I’d never have faced these conundrums and I could rest easy. Guess I’ve just gotta keep up the poker face and pretend like I know nothing. 

Being human is the hardest thing I’ve other done. 

So, I’m standing outside smoking a cigarette out of gratitude that I do, in fact, have more money than I thought I did and I can finally stop being on the verge of a panic attack. And I realized something. Rather, I acknowledged something, because in order to realize it I would have had to have been oblivious to it before, and that’s not true. Not true in the slightest. I — remembered maybe is a better word — I remembered that there is this remarkable person out in the world who thinks about me with what I can only assume are thoughts similar to the ones I think about them: soft, passionate, loving, caring, protecting thoughts. Caressing, maybe, is the right word. Caressing thoughts. It’s a remarkable thing, to know that there’s exactly one person who may or may not be looking up at the night sky while I’m doing the same thing, and they’re thinking my thoughts about them about me. Feeling my feelings about them about me. And I try to work out the mathematics of how I got this lucky, how I stumbled and fumbled my way into this… love affair is the only thing I can call it but it’s so much more calm than the connotation. It’s peaceful and warm. Safe. Like half waking up at five in the morning just enough to feel the blankets on your legs before you smile and roll over, curl up again, knowing that the alarm won’t go off until ten.