you taught me to accept myself the way i am in the worst way possible. instead of telling me that i was beautiful and worth something, you did the opposite. you were always telling me that i looked ugly in that shirt, or my hair was a mess, or my skin was terrible, or i was getting too fat. you told me this constantly for years. what kind of mother does that? for years i avoided mirrors. i wore plain, baggy clothing. all this happened as your constant critiquing went on. you forced me to get shitty haircuts. what did i know? i was 9 years old. you were overbearing and i was totally helpless and you wondered why i didn’t have friends??????? you wondered why i ran away from opportunities that YOU wanted, not ones that i wanted. everything i did was totally wrong and your screaming still comes to mind from time to time.
i don’t know how i stayed sane. maybe God listened to me, begging that you would stop and i would just get some peace. maybe He heard me cry when i heard you and other relatives talking about how i was never going to be beautiful. to this day you don’t know how much that hurt. words really do hurt more than actions. you never apologized for anything. you still don’t know.
ten very rough years passed. i met music and fell deeply in love. i had met some pretty cool friends. they gave me hope. they accepted me. i never stayed home so i could avoid you. this was years after horrible acne, many nights of crying myself to sleep and feeling completely worthless. never good enough.
one day i gathered the courage to look into a mirror and i realized hey you know what, you were wrong. you were nitpicking my entire being, really. you said i was too fat. i’m a size six. no i’m not, i thought, i’m just fucking right!!!! you said my hair was ugly. i love my curls. my skin got a lot better when i learned what products to use and all that. see, many girls have their mums to tell them all about it. my mum told me nothing except i was worthless so i decided i was going to learn everything by myself. and i did. and i learned that i am FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. yeah i said it. i gave myself a makeover, both inside and outside. i finally felt like i was doing something with my life. obviously there were rough days where i would revert to my old sad state. but that’s life. you gotta keep going even when everything REALLY sucks.
so thanks mum. you picked the worst way to teach me but hey i learned; boy did i learn. i learned that if i ever have a child ( to this day i don’t know if i ever would), i will tell her hey, if this looks helpful, you can use this product, and i will tell her she is beautiful and she will and SHOULD do great things for the world. i will tell her that i’m here if she needs me, and i’m not going to control her life because iT’S HER LIFE, NOT MINE. i will tell her that physical beauty is nothing compared to inner beauty, which is brought about by peace. inner peace. something i didn’t have for a very long time. i will tell her never to run from opportunities that she can take to better everything around her. really, it’s cliche but what’s inside her head and heart will be much more important than what is on her face/body. thanks, mum. i have learned to love you more through all of this.