March 2012
Hello again.
It’s me, Anna.
You know. The one who kissed her English teacher.
Someone replied to that post and said I should continually update, which was nice of that person and made me laugh, so that’s what I’m doing.
I was on school vacation last week so I didn’t see him at all. I started writing emails to him about a thousand times, but I deleted every single one because I had no idea what...
Anonymous asked: how long does it take for submissions to be posted?
February 2012
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Yes yes yes yes yes I would want someone to know. They say that you die two times: when you actually die, and the last time someone thinks of you/says your name. As much as I want to die sometimes, I am so terrified of being forgotten that I tell myself to wait until I make some sort of mark upon the world so people remember me and I am in that way immortalized. I am so afraid of just being, but...
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everyone around me is ambivalent about living and i don’t know what i did wrong.
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you were really really great parents.
don’t sell dumbo.
if you get another dog, you are not allowed to name her angel #2, or ruby la roo.
if the tv randomly turns on to a scary movie or parks and recreation, it’s me.
sorry i never cleaned my room.
the password to my blog is [redacted]
the password to my computer is “ihateeverything” but don’t worry, i didn’t hate everything
brown bear is...
Anonymous asked: I want to write about something, but I'm not a great writer. Everything sounds sloppy and disjointed.
if you were dying, what would you want people to know?
share your beautiful moments
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I’m not even attracted to anyone anymore. I was, once. The only time I ever really did like someone was, what… Last year? Two years ago?
Now I literally could care less about anyone. It doesn’t feel too bad though. I hope that’s cool.
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I’m alone sailing on a sea full of lonely fish and I’m here in a lonely boat. Someone has spotted me, but I can’t figure out if they’re just being nice to the poor pathetic girl, or if they want to rescue me from this enveloping sea of loneliness.
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I said I would write this later, so I did. We put way too much chocolate in those cookies. But I want to believe in you too much not to follow your instructions. Even when they’re dumb. This is how it will always be with us.
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i feel sick.
i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me. i’m not supposed to be feeling this way.
sometimes i look at my life and i think “really? this is your life? this is how things are?” and i want to
i don’t know why i feel this way. yes, i do. i lied, i totally know why i feel this way. i just don’t want to deal with it.
i feel this way because you’re talking about your problems openly and...
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I don’t think I want to live anymore.
And that scares me because I know I’m not going to commit suicide either. I can’t do that to my mom or my brother. I can’t.
So I’m scared. Because what does that mean for me? I don’t want to live, but I’m going to keep living.
(By the way, I’m not trying to say something about people who do commit suicide. Just putting that out there.)
So if I keep living...
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Give me some room, please. I can't breathe.
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childish people make me tired. it’s college, you’re an adult now, get the fuck over yourself.
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I want to feel alive. I want to touch rain and actually feel it.To be aware of all the souls around me and all the souls that have inhabited this strange Earth before me.
I want to feel a real, honest,true, strong, heartbreaking emotion. I don’t give a damn what emotion, I just want to feel something so strongly I want to cry,or scream,or jump or just explode and transcend my body with which I...
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do i love you or am i just lonely
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Secret, sly, slow smiles. Lopsided grins. Sweet everythings in husky, hushed whispers.
Fingers reaching for mine out of mine for comfort, steadying, completion, to show that neither of us is alone. Hands I have no fear of.
Eyes that do not let me get away with being anything less than what I am. Forgiving eyes. Eyes that show me everything I need to know.
Lips that formed the words that taught...
every time I want to cry because the cramps hurt, or scream because I feel disgusting, I remind myself: “at least you’re not pregnant.”
I wish I could take it all back.
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I don’t know what’s going on, but I’ve returned to liking rap/r&b a lot more lately. Drake, Common, The Roots, 2Pac, Alicia Keys, Lauren Hill, Erykah Badu, etc. I think for a long time I got away from all of that because I couldn’t really find myself in black culture. Ever since the shunning in 8th grade by the other black girls in my grade, I’ve had to deal with being told that I’m not...
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I see these musings of love bobbing through our sea and can’t help but wonder if there is a proclamation for me somewhere. I am so a l o n e .
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i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this
i hate how you act around everyone. i hate that you’re an asshole to her, and a prick to him, and i hate that you can be so mean to people i care about. i feel like in these last few months i’ve let myself lose sight of what matters, and who matters, and who’s been there for years and years, and i’ve just let myself drown in you, let you fill up my...
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i have heard the words “her body is too healthy for her to have an eating disorder” so many times it makes me want to prove everyone wrong.
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I think I've forgotten what it feels like to be in...
sometimes, it feels like a relief. only sometimes.
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Just because something is concisely put or well written it doesn’t make it true. A phrase or sentiment jumps out at you and you exult it and cry out: “Yes. This is what I must embrace! The enunciation of that which, up until this point, has eluded me in expression, but which has always been alive in the back of my mind!”
But are you sure about that? Are you certain you haven’t been deceived...
There are times when I want to tell you everything. I want to paint you a giant canvas of my mind, confused and colourful. Or perhaps I could scrawl it on to a little piece of paper, and you could read it and understand; You could hold me in your arms and stroke my hair, and sing softly to me. However, when this opportunity arises, I tend to count to ten in my head. I tell myself,...
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I am so tired of constantly having to keep everything in and be okay on the outside The reason why I manage to become a sobbing, shaking mess whenever someone confronts me or something or someone angers me is because I never let my emotions out or let people know how I feel and so everything comes tumbling out in one heap. I always seem to know how I feel on the inside but I can never explain it...
i look forward to going home and sleeping because i prefer dreams to real life. and sometimes, i prefer just deep sleep without dreams over anything because it’s the closest i can get to being dead.
i told her i loved her and she told me she didn’t love me back. now comes the leverage; the inevitable leverage that one has when they are loved without reciprocation. now comes the guilt of being told to go slow and instead losing grip on the steering wheel. now i am not alone, but still realizing that i have been alone from the start.
one person’s valid feelings don’t invalidate another’s. i...
I listen to The Tallest Man On Earth. This is because of him. He is gone away. He is thousands of kilometers from me. He has a girlfriend who he loves, who he adores; whose hair he brushes from her porcelain cheeks. That will not be me. All I have is a few hours of driving, beaches, records, and memories which will never cease to haunt the happiest corners of my brain.
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Today marks the third time that someone has mistaken me for a woman. Now, I am a young looking 20-year-old man, but SERIOUSLY. It doesn’t help that I have felt severely lacking the masculinity department the last few months. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had sex with my girlfriend let alone the last time I felt genuinely horny. I still hate the way my body looks even after losing over fifty...
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I’ll be seeing her again this summer.
It will have been two years since I last saw her.
It’s going to undo all of the healing I did. I know that seeing her will melt my heart and break me all over again.
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I have this thing where I just sit in myroomfor hours and hours when I know all the shit I haveto do.I have somuch to accomplish.And I just sit and torture myself by thinking about all these things.I grow anxious to the point where I want torip my hair out, but I never take action.I just sit.And I watch the time tick, and suddenly it’s completely dark out. And I don’t know where my family is,and...
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I often sit and think about everything.All the events in the history of the entire world that lead me to this exact point in time. All the people who had to exist and interact just so my parents could meet and I could be born. How people’s lives hundreds and thousands of years ago were vital to my existence. Howevery little thing in the universe was one huge lucky coincidence. How it is possible...
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Confusion, it's nothing new.
It’s been about 3 years & some odd months since we broke up.
It’s clear. Crystal clear.
That you’ve moved on & I’ve moved on.
You moved on to one of my best friends from high school & I moved on to someone that had hurt me a whole lot more than you ever did. Which is surprising, seeing as I thought that was impossible to all extents. But then we were over & I moved on from him.
...
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“But I like the inconveniences.”
“We don’t,” said the Controller. “We prefer to do things comfortably.”
“But I don’t want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin.”
“In fact,” said Mustapha Mond, “you’re claiming the right to be unhappy.”
“All right then,” said the Savage defiantly, “I’m claiming the right to be unhappy.”
“Not to...
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I don’t know how it all started, because you have always been that guy who was a friend, someone I never thought would mean so much more to me. But one night I asked you out to dinner, because you were there, and because it was convenient. And then you became so much more than someone I can joke around with, someone I can expect to be as bored as I am.
You talked about how you hate your dad...
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Another letter for you.
When I found this page I thought I wouldn’t submit anything because I told myself not to write about you anymore. Seems like it wasn’t too hard to do the opposite, and here I am, doing what I’ve done many times before: writing, thinking about you.
I don’t know if I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t be “creative” anymore to write about the same things, or it’s just the fact that I’ve written...
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During the first week of grade 9, they made us write letters to ourselves, that they would give back to us when we were at the end of grade 12.
It seemed so far away then, but it’s grade 12 now, and I can’t remember what I had written. 4 months 4 months 4 months only 4 months and I’ll get to read the letter from my fourteen-year old self.
I’m scared and excited to see how much I’ve changed.
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WOW
Sad realizations of the day:
I still hate everyone and I’m still fucking dying alone
but I like older guys
Like MUCH older…
They’re actually fantastic.
Of course they’re always fucking taken.
And also
CAN YOU SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR AGNOSTICISM? WE GET IT; YOU’RE AGNOSTIC. SHUT UP. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP NO ONE CARES!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!
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He’s a friend and he’s what I consider perfect. I don’t know if I like him or ever will. I wish I did though, we are pretty unlucky in love. I like everything about him but I only see him as a friend. Or maybe I just stopped getting those butterflies and this might be something real.
reasons to live
he is far away from home. he is bringing her home a rock. he is bringing her home the ugliest rock he can find, as per her request. pick a rock that nobody would ever want, she tells him. i want to hold something nobody else would ever care to hold, she says. he picks up the most repulsive, dirtiest rock he can find, and he thinks about how weird she is, and how much he adores...
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i just realized i’m always stuck between two extremes.
not sleeping at all or sleeping for 12 hours.
eating 200 calories or 4000 calories.
doing my homework three days early or procrastinating on it so much that i ditch school and turn it in late.
noticing a pattern yet?
this can’t be healthy.
i think this is the kind of thing people go to therapists for. but i can’t go no. i can’t go...
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“i’ve got court early tomorrow, for the mischief charge i got on new years. i hate that i have to bail. the charge is hilarious though, i’ll totally tell you soon.”
that’s what you told me today, why we had to reschedule our plans.
christ, we’re from two totally different worlds. mischief charges and court dates are something i’m learning about in law class. i did a test about that only a couple...
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Fuck you. Fuck Everyone. How dare you tell me I’m “second rate” and not good looking and that I have “ehhh looks”. Fuck you for thinking that that’s okay to say to someone. Fuck you for telling me that “honesty hurts”. Fuck you for choosing her over me. Fuck you for pretending you never had any feelings for me. Fuck you for thinking I’m going to sit here and help you now. Well, fuck you because...
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do you have a favorite TOOC post? or just one that...
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You walked in and she could see you in the reflection of the glass and she worried that you might come closer and she worried that you might not come closer. You were looking for your friends in the crowd, and she could tell because you were squinting your eyes as you do even though you wear glasses and don’t need to squint. You walked so close to her, you probably breathed the same air and...
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sun
my sunrise eyes miss your sunflecked skin my sundry whispers miss your sunburnt ears my sunbrowned hands miss your sunbronzed hair my sunken heart misses your sunset tears
on waking up sad (again)
am i waking up from a sad dream or waking up to a sad life? hell, why not both!
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I’m falling for him again. I know I shouldn’t. His girlfriend is cute and obviously makes him happy. But he’s just so…easy to connect to. We shoot witty/snarky comebacks at each other. My friend J even said it last night: “You two are just great.” As in great together. We glance up at each other and smile during class. I go retrieve his ID from his room when he forgets it (because he can’t get...