April 2012
it was colder this time than it was the last. i guess it was a little less than a year ago, somewhere around the beginning of april, rather than the beginning of march. you come into my life at the strangest times. a year ago you were a substitute for something, someone, who initially i had been using as a distraction from you. that’s the funny part, i guess. i remember how i felt so comfortable...
March 2012
2 tags
I love you. I’m finally ready to admit it. I miss you so much I think I might go mad. I think I might to mad no matter what, I’m just in such a tough situation right now. So even though I’m ready to admit I love you, I don’t think I will. Because I don’t want to force my problems upon you. I am such an idiot.
3 tags
I remember when I didn’t even try. I never had to set my mind to a single thing; I just did. I didn’t do anything with an end goal, I didn’t plan out a path - I didn’t have to. I just did and enjoyed and excelled and was rewarded accordingly.
It all started going wrong when I set my heart to things, when I cared about what I was doing, and when I had to make sense of it...
2 tags
am i the only one like me? does everyone else just claim to have some sort of emotional depth and cling to feelings and the need for validation, or are there people who, too, are reaching out to the stars, pleading for someone like them to show up one day? because i am. i feel i am a shade of grey in a sea of blacks and whites.
i’m not above everyone else, i’m just different. everyone is...
2 tags
my sadness and loneliness has gotten so strong over the years. i am now beyond the point of being able to convey it to others. i am so goddamn sad. there is a possibility that when i say i am lonely (and even when i genuinely feel lonely without expressing it) what i am really saying/feeling is the desire to have somebody tangible know my sadness. hello, i am sad. i want you to know how fucking...
I’m part of a group of nine friends. I love them all except one. This girl is a whiny attention whore and she brings the entire group down. I can’t stand her. Friendship is about give and take, but she’s only a taker. She’s never there for us. She makes everything about her. I want to say something, but I think I’m the only one who sees through her bullshit. I’m...
though I am not an artist I paint myself up. I paint myself with words and phrases which tangle through the air and cover people’s perceptions, colour their vision so they don’t see exactly me they see this image I craft and paint so precariously. I an no artist but I have sculpted myself in my mind, a distortion so accurate that it is hard to tell what I see and what I think and after all, all...
in which my subconscious screws me over yet again
i dreamed that we were together again and you were the same you that you were before you changed
i dreamed that it was free and easy and the same
i dreamed that you had long hair and your gentle hands were part of me still
i was doing so well. i hadn’t thought about you in the longest time. when you did cross my mind, it didn’t leave me with a dull aching pain in my chest that lasted for...
“I really want a boyfriend.”
That’s what I told all my friends and what I tried to tell myself. So I signed up for online dating. The first guy who sends me a message happens to be an old co-worker of mine.
“Keep those beautiful legs shut” my friend texts me when I tell her that we’re hanging out. Of course me hanging out with anyone always involves weed and booze, so we end up fucking. I...
7 tags
when did everything get so hard?
i fucking hate living in a capitalist world. everyone tells me i need to study, i have to study every damn day, but i’m wasting my time just to get some stupid grades to get some stupid job and to die someday. what if i don’t want to get a job at all? just not possible, i have to pay rent and food and stuff, everyone says. BUT I DON’T WANT TO LIVE THIS WAY.
i want to live in a trailer...
no one can hurt me as much as i hurt myself
2 tags
Black Keyboard
I am a vessel. I wasted yet another day, didin’t go out, just wasted my whole day in a fucking computer jerking off because the sex that I CAN find will destroy me. Xiu Xiu is playing an making me want to kill myself. Suicide. I’m not dumb, or smart, or brave enough to try it. Does being dumb equals being brave?
Being an atheist bores me, my friends bore me, my mom hates me. I think.
...
2 tags
whenever people are around, I will forever be the introvert
but suddenly when my world seems devoid of life, when I find myself alone, with myself, by myself, that’s when I need people.
but people aren’t about
only the mice in my walls
and the ants on the counter
I know that passing the bar won’t give me a new life…but it at least gives me a chance.
I really really...
1 tag
I always imagine I’ll meet my husband barefoot
get married barefoot
spend all seasons barefoot
raise kids barefoot
it’s not that I don’t like shoes, I just love the feeling of walking on grass, or hard wood floors, or even hot asphalt
it’s like my feet are reminding me that I am going somewhere, I am moving, there is progress being made
I hope I meet my future husband whilst biking...
1 tag
There is nothing better than that feeling.
That feeling when your heart opens up, even for just a second, and just
it happens and I don’t know how to describe.
I want to say it takes everything in, but that’s not right at all.
I’m not a photographer, but it always reminds me of when a camera lens opens up and takes in light.
It only ever happens for a second.
I think you could say that...
Varying degrees of secret
1. I just realized that I think I’m bicurious - not full-on bi, but definitely interested in getting to know my own gender a little that way. 2. I just began to jerk off for the first time about a month ago, and it’s like it’s released a flood gate of horny feelings I didn’t know I had. 3. I jerk off to Doctor Who slash fiction written by a girl at my school. 4. I’m 16,...
My heart aches for someone and something I was never able to claim.
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I'm so sick of my fucking life.
I don’t want to be me anymore. I would literally kill to be someone else anyone else I don’t fucking care. I’m sick of going to a highschool I don’t fit into. I’m a loner. I’m not noticeable. I not fucking special at my fucking highschool. I hate this weave on my head I hate how I can’t itch underneath it I hate how itchy it looks I hate how fake my hair looks. I hate the back brace I have to now...
I’m going to make it a goal of mine to be able to deal with things better. Instead of inwardly giving up and my eyes glossing over I’m going to recognize mistakes and rectify them. I won’t let them eat me up inside. I’ll listen to my gut more often. Most problems in my life could have been avoided if I listened to my instincts.
now is probably the time to accept that he’s never going to talk to you again. now is probably also the time to stop being attached to him.
i enjoy that you keep “liking” my posts about my forays back into therapy and actually taking steps to get there. you’re the only one that does it and i know it’s because you understand how i feel about all this depression bullshit and how stressful and difficult it can be to do anything about it. at the same time, i wish you’d actually talk to me instead of quietly encouraging me from the...
1 tag
roommate rant~ okay i assume i’m not a very bad roommate. i am kind of antisocial, but that’s maybe the only bad thing i can think of. my roommate does not flush after she pees. she has washed her clothes three times since we have lived here seven months ago. about eighty percent of the time she leaves her dishes in the sink forever. she hoards all the cups i swear at one point she literally had...
I’m here looking at prom things with my mom. I don’t have the heart to tell her I’m not going anymore because I’m fairly certain my date will leave me stranded to go drink, or take me to a party I don’t want to go to, because he’s got a very “I have the keys” personality. I would get all dressed and drive myself and say we’re meeting up-and...
good god, did I really just click “send?” please don’t read that… or actually please read it; but don’t find it weird… it’s too short and mundane for you to find it weird. god, I am constantly overthinking things.
it’s 10:58 PM and I’ve got homework to do; I am forever making an ass of myself where you are concerned. my friend called me a suckup the other day and then backtracked as fast as she...
1 tag
Reading can’t buy my love really excites me because all I can think about is how true the book is for every idea that jean kilbourne gives I can think of a commercial that matches it like the idea that the advertising industry encourages the habbits of food adicts I can think of a commercial for pudding where a women is on a clock eating the pudding saying that she could spend the whole day eating...
Some people punch walls, break windows, slash...
When someone you love curses and cries that they hate themselves while making noises like a newborn baby and pressing their face deep into a pillow, covering it in their slobber, muffling the sounds, how do you walk away from them, grab your things, focus on yourself, leave? How do you leave that mess without saying anything, or without touch? Or whatever it is that you tend to do when someone you...
I hate society. I hate how women are objectified in music videos, I hate how guys are hypermasculated and told that they can only be a man if they treat girls like disposable sex objects are violent and put down other guys down and tell girls that they should be obsessed with looking thin and pretty and being girly and sexual and virginal at the same time and they should compete against their...
1 tag
i’m the lowest weight i’ve been since 10th grade.
2 tags
hi sorry i know this isn't a submission but it's...
let’s say that i go off to college.
let’s say that i’m still on my parent’s health insurance.
let’s say that i seek therapy while still at college. (maybe through the college? idk do colleges have therapists?)
would my parents have to know?
(i figured somebody here, of all places, would know.)
1 tag
Everyone will notice your blonde hair. You will not lose control. Nobody will mention your brother. You will not cry. The church will be surrounded in roses. You will faint. The water will be brown. You will say you are okay. Your bedroom will feel like a museum. You will scratch your arm until it bleeds. I wrote this a about a week ago. It didn’t mean anything. It was just words. I...
‘twas one in the morning and we were sitting on a stranger’s patio in the city. the surrounding patios were all lit up and empty but this one was dark and full of life. he was teaching me the proper way to strum the ukulele. index finger, one two three four, and one two three four. my finger is sore from all the strumming and i’ve never wanted ripped skin to stay ripped this...
1 tag
Dear mom, Thank you. My life has been blessed because of you. My life has been a world of opportunities - because of you. You’re mom when I’m myself, mommy when I’m too scared to be grown up, mother when I’m angry, but you’re beautiful and wonderful all the time. I have this memory of you that has always and will always make me grateful to be yours. There was one day when little brother J came...
There’s this guy in my business law class that is always touching me-rubbing my arms, grabbing my legs, etc. Although I don’t like him and he doesn’t like me, it’s nice to know that someone is aknowledging my physical existence.
1 tag
I just can’t shake this feeling. I still love you. Especially since certain events occurred the past is rushing back to me with full force and I just don’t know how to deal with it. I really need someone to talk to right now. I thought two years was enough. I guess not.
You never knew.
1 tag
do you ever think about how the only thing separating you from other cars on the road is a bunch of lines
just some fucking paint smeared onto the asphalt
nothing else between you and other objects but an imaginary barrier
lately when i’ve been driving home i’ve thought of swerving into the path of other cars. i didn’t, because that’s a dick move there’s no reason to hurt other people in my...
“You’re not yourself. What’s gotten into you? I don’t even know who you are anymore. What changed? What happened? Did I do something to push you away?”
I know. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I don’t know who I am either. I changed. Life happened. You did nothing, as usual.
I don’t go to class. I don’t do homework. I don’t study for tests. I was valedictorian. I’m not anymore. I’ve pulled...
1 tag
I wonder if our shadows have their own lives. But there’s this wall that separates us from communicating with them. Yet there they are, living through all of the things we do, feeling the things we do, and dying when we do. Maybe…we aren’t so alone after all.
1 tag
When we were laying in your bed naked, and holding each other I traced the phrase “I love you” into your back with my index finger. You’re the absolute best.
it’s going to be one of those springs where i think about my own blood a lot. i can already feel it coming. i used to wish i could accurately explain the way this feels (and what i even mean by it) to somebody, but now i do not care to do so, and there is nobody to share this with anyway; there never was. i am used to it.
3 tags
I. Yesterday I realized that I’m in love with you and now I just feel awkward and wrong and lost. I don’t want to get out of bed and I don’t want to dream and I don’t want to love you, I don’t I don’t I don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t
II. I want to scream all this to you but it wouldn’t help. Nothing will help. I just need to...
1 tag
I love you I LOVE YOU it’s not enough to feel it and know you feel it too, not enough to watch fuzzy movies in a nest on the floor, not enough to write you shitty poems I wanna scream to the heavens I LOVE HIM, THERE IS A PERFECT THING THAT EXISTS AND HE IS MINE AND I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM LIKE THUNDER AND BLOOD AND SCARS AND STARS AND THE SWEETEST DARK THINGS, I LOVE HIS ETERNITY EYES, I LOVE HIS...
1 tag
one second i’m sitting at my desk staring at a pair of scissors and the next i’m watching blood seep out of my arms and legs for the first time in months.
and i just don’t know how i ended up here again.
1 tag
two days i took away your first kiss among other things
and you said that it probably wouldn’t happen again i know that i agreed we’d pretend it didn’t happen but i just want you to touch me again i’m not sure how to tell you that without fucking things up i want to be friends i just want to corrupt you
1 tag
I. Yesterday I realized that I’m in love with you and now I just feel awkward and wrong and lost. I don’t want to get out of bed and I don’t want to dream and I don’t want to love you, I don’t I don’t I don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t
II. I want to scream all this to you but it wouldn’t help. Nothing will help. I just need to leave and never come leave and never come back but that won’t happen...
1 tag
i keep having this dream where i’m in a room that’s in a big building and i feel something else there. the corners of the room are black and shadows are exaggerated and there are a lot of loud banging noises outside so i go outside to ask someone what’s going on and there’s a fence around the building and cops standing guard around the fence and some of my friends are...
1 tag
i was the first person to get back “home.” no one else is here yet - or maybe they are. maybe they’ve been here and haven’t talked to me. i don’t blame them. i haven’t talked to them all break but it’s not them, it’s me. i’m not good enough for them. it’s not like they like me anyways.
i haven’t eaten since 12. i haven’t done...
1 tag
though I am not an artist I paint myself up. I paint myself with words and phrases which tangle through the air and cover people’s perceptions, colour their vision so they don’t see exactly me they see this image I craft and paint so precariously. I an no artist but I have sculpted myself in my mind, a distortion so accurate that it is hard to tell what I see and what I think and after all, all I...
1 tag
I had my first counselling session today.
She helped me to understand - I didn’t do anything wrong in our relationship, apart from the end. All I did was love you too much.
You were the one with the issues.
And I spent so long thinking it was my fault - five months. we’ve been broken up for 5 MONTHS. If we were together, it would be 11 months now - that I find it hard to get my head around.
...
4 tags
I remember when I didn’t even try. I never had to set my mind to a single thing; I just did. I didn’t do anything with an end goal, I didn’t plan out a path - I didn’t have to. I just did and enjoyed and excelled and was rewarded accordingly.
It all started going wrong when I set my heart to things, when I cared about what I was doing, and when I had to make sense of it all. Now, bits and...