i told her i loved her and she told me she didn’t love me back. now comes the leverage; the inevitable leverage that one has when they are loved without reciprocation. now comes the guilt of being told to go slow and instead losing grip on the steering wheel. now i am not alone, but still realizing that i have been alone from the start.
one person’s valid feelings don’t invalidate another’s. i think that loving someone and caring for someone are not the same. i think when she says she cares about me, she does not mean deep down that she loves me. i think when i say i love her, i do not always mean that i care about her. when i say i love her, i’m saying to her, “stop, i can’t go on, i know that this is not right, i know it isn’t, i know what you’ve always known, please don’t feel that this is protection.” i love her for selfish reasons, every action ever committed is ultimately selfish, i love her because loving her creates the illusion that i can care. she cares for me because she cannot care for herself. we destroy because when we finally do feel whole, we ache so bad that each of our minds tears the other down.
i do not enjoy loving people. i only do so because i want to convince myself that i do.
