I don’t know what’s going on, but I’ve returned to liking rap/r&b a lot more lately. Drake, Common, The Roots, 2Pac, Alicia Keys, Lauren Hill, Erykah Badu, etc. I think for a long time I got away from all of that because I couldn’t really find myself in black culture. Ever since the shunning in 8th grade by the other black girls in my grade, I’ve had to deal with being told that I’m not “black enough” and that I “talk funny” by people of my own “race” (which I’ve learned in Rethinking Race is more of a social construct than anything). And then on the outside having people being surprised by my intelligence and being told I won’t get anywhere because I always “just a dumb n____ bitch” despite what I’ve learned and how much effort I’ve put into things. Sometimes I chastise myself for not talking and then stumbling over my words when I do. But when you deal with not knowing whether it’s even safe to open your mouth because you’ll get shot down pretty much either way, it gets hard. Not knowing whether to trust the people around you or not is scary. But it’s scarier not knowing whether to trust yourself. I feel a duality. I know I can be outgoing, funny, fun to be around, loud, ridiculous and reckless even. When I open up, I can connect to people pretty easily (unless they’re just totally against it/me) But there’s still a part of me that just loves to shut people out and retreat back into my cozy shell of isolation. I can’t scrub off this skin. Nor can I erase the past. I just have to keep moving forward and forging an identity for myself that I personally feel comfortable with. That’s the hard part though.